The dark solitude is so complete that it is deafening. I had no idea the sound my own ears made could be so loud, maybe it’s my imagination. I’ve never seen a black so thoroughly as today when the light finally went out. I’ve been sitting here, well, sitting would be generous. I’ve been stuck here, still too generous. I’ve been pinned here, that’s right, for fifty years, a million years. My watch says it’s only been three and a half days but now the light’s dead from pushing the little button to make the face light up too many times to see the seconds ticking away like eons. Now, no light, no battery, no judge of time.
Around 20 minutes into this experience, I started to hallucinate, I would have thought that would take me longer too. But, my constitution has never been the greatest even at the best of times. I could see my mother in here, in this dark cave. It was odd knowing that you are hallucinating and not being able to make it stop. She lectured me about my poor choices. I’d heard that lecture before, of course. But now it seemed particularly relevant.
I replayed my fall into the crevasse over and over until I could view it on the cave wall like Plato’s allegory. What should I be learning from this experience? Nothing that Plato could teach, I suppose. So, the falling and being pinned in this cave was thoughtless on my part. Hiking in this new area, knowing that there were endless caves. I brought good equipment for spelunking, my head lamp, climbing shoes, hiking boots. But, as my mother would surely point out, I didn’t let anyone know my intentions or itinerary.
Now, I see what I am going to have to do. I saw it on the Discovery Channel. I don’t think that guy was in complete darkness and long past simple hallucination, building entire cities of hallucination around him. I think that guy was out in the open with the glorious sun shining down. Birds chirping, cicadas scratching, wind blowing. Not like me stuck in a still, slithering silence. I know that any minute scorpions, bears, giants, or snakes are about to brush my unseen leg. Centimeters from my nose are eyes, behind my right ear breath. I know these and create them.
I have been trying hard to hallucinate something as benign as my mother’s complaints, to no avail. My happy place has long since gone. The worst is that when I fell from 20 feet I did not get myself stuck. No, oh no, stuck came with a small trip back in the deep cave when I was looking for water.
Now here I am with no one to help. Knowing that now is the time that I will have to do the Discovery Channel cut-the-arm-off-with-no-anesthesia-thing. The dude that cut his arm off did it with a dull knife. Mine is sharp but I’ve tried over and over, I can’t even seem to scratch myself, much less cut the whole damn thing off. I’m waiting for this perfect state of grace in which I have the power to do the unthinkable. When exactly does that come? When am I more than this terrified man dreaming of meatloaf and mashed potatoes. How do I gather the strength?
Well, I scratch, scratch, scratch at my arm above the elbow. I wonder if I should bring this to a close quickly. Inside my arm: muscles, tendons, nerves. Apparently nerves pop with white hot pain when you cut them. Maybe no thinking, just cutting. Well, no need to close my eyes, just cut here right below the elbow. It will be better than phantom snakes. In the long term. Right?
Advertisement
Like this:
Be the first to like this post.
Stupid Things
The dark solitude is so complete that it is deafening. I had no idea the sound my own ears made could be so loud, maybe it’s my imagination. I’ve never seen a black so thoroughly as today when the light finally went out. I’ve been sitting here, well, sitting would be generous. I’ve been stuck here, still too generous. I’ve been pinned here, that’s right, for fifty years, a million years. My watch says it’s only been three and a half days but now the light’s dead from pushing the little button to make the face light up too many times to see the seconds ticking away like eons. Now, no light, no battery, no judge of time.
Around 20 minutes into this experience, I started to hallucinate, I would have thought that would take me longer too. But, my constitution has never been the greatest even at the best of times. I could see my mother in here, in this dark cave. It was odd knowing that you are hallucinating and not being able to make it stop. She lectured me about my poor choices. I’d heard that lecture before, of course. But now it seemed particularly relevant.
I replayed my fall into the crevasse over and over until I could view it on the cave wall like Plato’s allegory. What should I be learning from this experience? Nothing that Plato could teach, I suppose. So, the falling and being pinned in this cave was thoughtless on my part. Hiking in this new area, knowing that there were endless caves. I brought good equipment for spelunking, my head lamp, climbing shoes, hiking boots. But, as my mother would surely point out, I didn’t let anyone know my intentions or itinerary.
Now, I see what I am going to have to do. I saw it on the Discovery Channel. I don’t think that guy was in complete darkness and long past simple hallucination, building entire cities of hallucination around him. I think that guy was out in the open with the glorious sun shining down. Birds chirping, cicadas scratching, wind blowing. Not like me stuck in a still, slithering silence. I know that any minute scorpions, bears, giants, or snakes are about to brush my unseen leg. Centimeters from my nose are eyes, behind my right ear breath. I know these and create them.
I have been trying hard to hallucinate something as benign as my mother’s complaints, to no avail. My happy place has long since gone. The worst is that when I fell from 20 feet I did not get myself stuck. No, oh no, stuck came with a small trip back in the deep cave when I was looking for water.
Now here I am with no one to help. Knowing that now is the time that I will have to do the Discovery Channel cut-the-arm-off-with-no-anesthesia-thing. The dude that cut his arm off did it with a dull knife. Mine is sharp but I’ve tried over and over, I can’t even seem to scratch myself, much less cut the whole damn thing off. I’m waiting for this perfect state of grace in which I have the power to do the unthinkable. When exactly does that come? When am I more than this terrified man dreaming of meatloaf and mashed potatoes. How do I gather the strength?
Well, I scratch, scratch, scratch at my arm above the elbow. I wonder if I should bring this to a close quickly. Inside my arm: muscles, tendons, nerves. Apparently nerves pop with white hot pain when you cut them. Maybe no thinking, just cutting. Well, no need to close my eyes, just cut here right below the elbow. It will be better than phantom snakes. In the long term. Right?
Like this: